finally having reflection time...

i should be studying. i should have been studying this whole semester. looking back at the last six months and the things that they have brought, i can say that i should have done a lot of things. i should have found my church sooner. i should have moved out of the madames place at the beginning of the semester. i should have been to more french independent music events. i should have spent more time taking pictures when i was at home.



but should have dones dont make did...


i do not regret the things that i have done, but that which i did not do...

and as i look back, there was not much that could be placed into the category of waiting or wishing to be done. i have not had a normal day since i left; each day is different, full of adventure and sometimes painful. the transition into the culture has given me much to be proud about.


imagine this--

imagine leaving your family, friends, community, and life behind you in order to replace it with a very strange culture that you dont understand. imagine being reduced to a running vocabulary of a 6 year old, and imagine trying to explain politics, quantum mechanics, and religion with your peers with simple phrases and cute observations. imagine being tired at 6pm and wanting to go to sleep at 9 in order to better understand what goes on the next day. imagine failing all of your classes NOT because you dont know the material, but because you become blocked since you know many languages.

imagine being in a shroud of confusion for 6 months...

and the thing is, your old life still happens back at home. your friends still live life, get significant others, mourn, become sick, and go to school. the world does not stop because you left, it just adapts.

the separation becomes bigger with each passing second...you are shattered constantly, only to rebuild yourself into what you thought you were...

only for something else to hammer down on the warbled mess that exists...




and it keeps happening until you realize that it is useless to rebuild yourself any longer, but to reshape into a newer being...

let your experiences carve you into the creation you want to become.
















yes, i sit here in what would be the french equivalent of the student union sipping my espresso, listening to french music, making observations and procrastinating not because it is what i should be doing, but what i need to be doing. the christmas lights penetrate the dark sky as the sun sets at 4pm. vin chaud, with its sweet, cinnamon-like smell engorges the senses while people sit, talk, enjoy life and other people's company. i have nothing to anticipate but my next journey and who i may meet along the way...

i am happy. i am complete. i am nothing

congratulations, you have been reading a dream come true.